B and I were headed to New Zealand, to meet up with some people. I'm not gonna even bother saying names, since anyone with a functioning brain probably knows who anyway. We had not a lot of problems up to that point, even though it meant that problems would eventually come back with twice as much force. Something I've come to realize is that quiet isnt always that great of a thing, when you have powerful enemies planning your demise behind your back.

We were just resting  in a safe house, one of his contacts had told him about. They are usually cramped little places with no windows, and way too much dust. This one was by no stretch of the mind a exception to this norm. It was cold, dark, and not too comfy for us. The room we were in only had 2 chairs, and a small bed in the corner. I was sitting in one corner, on the floor drawing cats in my sketch book, and he was sitting in a chair looking over at me with a gloomy look on his face. Considering he was usually pretty upbeat, this was very weird, but even so it took me awhile to realize something was up with him. 


"Ok whats up kiddo,why you staring? You know if you take a picture it will last longer?"  I looked up from my drawing, and tilted my head a bit at him. We both just sat there for a good 10 minutes staring at each other, not saying a single word. I figured if he was going to give me the silent act, then I would play along until he cracked like a egg for me. Safe to say my tactics worked, because he finally sighed and looked away from me for a second.

"I've been thinking." I just nodded slightly at him, with a smile. " Ah, yes. Well good to know you have a brain in that head then." Not a smile, or smirk, or even the usually chuckle from him. At this point I was really starting to worry a bit about him. Thinking perhaps he was offended by my sarcasm. But then again he already was frowning before I said anything to him, so I figured maybe something was really wrong.

"Do you really think I should be going with you to do this thing? Wont I just get in the way or something?" His comment really surprised me. Not once did I ever think bringing him along was a bad idea. I figured he would be able to help one way or another. He could defend himself just fine, and had a good head on his shoulders. It was strange to me, that he would doubt for even a second of his worth to this mission.

" No way, B. I would never just leave you behind. What kind of jerk leaves their companion behind." Then it really hit me. There was something else here. Something he was holding back from me. I could just tell from the looking he was giving me. " But, what's really going on here? What are you really wanting to know?"

The change in his faces when i said those words, left no doubt in my mind that there was something else wrong that he wasnt saying. "How do you....?" "Know? So there is something isnt there?" He got up and started to walk to the door. I thought he was going to leave the room, and avoid my question, but he just shut it, and sat back down.

"I'm going to have to leave soon, and  let you continue alone, C." I sat there and stared at him in disbelief. "What. The. Hell. Why the hell would you do that? Your just going to abandon me now? You might as well have left without telling me, because I'm not going to let you go." I was beyond angry, and right on the verge of screaming at him. The only thing keep me from it, was the knowledge that yelling would just make things worse.

"I think we have gotten too close. I first sought you out to make sure you were still alive, and taken care of, because of your mothers wishes. We were never suppose to get this close at all. Now don't think I'm just leaving you without anything at all. I'm going to give you some money, and a few contacts so you have places to stay on your way to New Zealand. But as far as me going with you... It isnt happening." I stood and paced around the room a bit in anger, trying to decide what i should do.

"So what? Your just going to leave like that? There is nothing wrong with getting close. Don't go because you don't want to make me unconfortable. Because I'm not." "Wait no. I get it now. You played me for a fool. You never cared in the first place, but some sick thrill from helping the damsel in distress. Is that it?!" Regardless on what I said about not getting angry, and yelling...I got angry and was yelling. He looked just as angry as I felt, when I said that to him.

"That's not fucking it, and you know it."

"Then what the fuck is it asshole?"

"I WONT FUCKING DO IT AGAIN OK?! I CAN'T BARE TO SEE ANOTHER GIRL I LOVE THROW AWAY HER LIFE FOR A LOST CAUSE WHEN SHE HAS THE CHOICE TO WALK AWAY FROM IT. FROM ME. I CANT FUCKING BE WITH YOU BECAUSE I WILL JUST DRAG YOU DOWN FURTHER. I DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU DIE GODDAMN IT."  With that he grabbed his bag, and stormed out of the room. I just sat and for the first time in my life cried.

I went out later to find he was already gone. The guy that ran the place gave me large a envelope, and said B had left it for me. It had a list of numbers/ names, and enough money to last me awhile. I can't believe he thought the only way to save me was to leave. I can't believe hes gone. Worst of all I can't believe I let him go.

I don't need a month to decide my fate. I have already decided to decline Lilith's offer. I have no desire to be her servant, and I don't see how she can do anything about it. B is now in a safe place where no one can harm him, so I can move on to my next goal without worrying about him.

What is my next goal? That is what some of you are probably wondering now. Well some things I have heard about have greatly angered me, and I hope to make it right. Concerning a dirty servant in possession of something that is none of his concern. With their permission I hope to assist Med, and Carter in obtaining the sword.

It's alright everyone. I'm alright. Yes Lilith took me away, but no I was not harmed, nor was I punished in any way for the things I have done against her. If anything my visit to the garden was... enlightening. Lilith says i'm special, says i'm different, says i'm her favorite.

You see I was part of a special experiment from birth. I was one of over 100 babies that were injected with all sorts of nasty things, mostly taken from other Fears. Lilith had this done in order to create a special servant to aid her in her mission. Of those hundred children, I was the only functioning survivor. By this I mean that there were a few other than me that live through it all, but they were all deformed, and mentally unstable.

She made sierra raise me, because she was one of the best female servants she had. I was trained well, and treated well, but no one ever let on that I was different in any way, and Sierra was forbidden to treat me like I was any different from any other of the children in the garden.

But now I know the truth. I'm much faster, and stronger, and smarter than the others. I also never age like the others. I have the ability to hide myself from people, and Fears, which is why Sierra could never find me when I left. And now Lilith wants me to help her get rid of the siblings that she hates. She promises that B and I can go live with surviving members of my mom's family when I am done helping her, and that we will never be bothered by any Fear again if we so please. 

I have a month from today in normal time to make my decision.     

This is why we cant have nice things.

Shes gone. Just gone. Actually more like stolen away. Lilith came for her last night, and i couldnt do anything about it. she grabbed her arm and was just gone like that. I hate to think what terrible things she is now going through there, and i can only hope she finds her way back to me somehow. For now I will sit and wait for her. And if she never returns then i will die here alone with only thoughts of her to keep me sane.

I wont let this happen again.

After she came back in from doing whatever it was she did to the guy, I went searching around in kendra's old room because of a odd hunch I had concerning clarrisa's weird behavior. I found the box she had mentioned in a recent post, and realized the knife and holster she had outside was one from the box. I went out to the living room and demanding to see the knife she had, she got a pissed look on her face, and the next thing I know I'm waking up in a locked cupboard with the mother of all headaches. I then heard her crying loudly and calling my name, asking where I was. I called out her name, and she ripped open the cupboard with the most shocked look on her face as she softly asked "Why the hell are you hiding in the cupboard?" She claims not to remember taking the knife, attacking the guy, knocking me out, or making the bitchy post and comments. The last thing she remembers is making the post about the box, then reaching to touch one of the dresses in the box. Also I knew that I remembered the look she gave the guy when cutting him. It's the same look kendra gave me when she was killing me for the first time. I think it's time to get rid of this box....

Since B seems to be having a childish fit over the things I do, he wont be posting for awhile. Because you see, I don't like his attitude right now.

And what do we do with things we don't like? We lock them in the cupboard.

Scary? Yeah you could say that...

Clarrisa told me to stay inside because she heard something outside. Of course I won't listen because technically I'm older. But she went out and I followed her. What happened next is definitely a surprise to anyone. She ran out, pulled a knife from a holster thing on her leg, which I didnt even know she had, and took down the guy that has been following us with a speed that I have never seen anyone go. She tied him up and her voice changed from the cutesie innocent teenager tone she always has to a lower more dangerous, and pretty freaking scary tone of voice. She then started bascially interrogating him, and when she didnt get the answers she wanted... she cut his ear off, then drug him kicking and screaming to the shed out back. She came back like half a hour later, and acted like nothing happened. When I went out back, the shed was just gone. And i'm starting to think shes not as innocent and shielded as she makes everyone think she is.

*UPDATE*

Found a large box with blood covered dresses, and knives inside. It was labelled as: "Clothing For Chaos." Anyone have any idea what it might be here for?

Also I keep hearing footsteps outside in the dark. I'm sure there's someone out there. It might mean we need to get out soon, so I might not be posting again for awhile. I'll update you again as soon as I can if anything big happens.

B brought me to my mom's old house. Surprising everything is neat, and pretty untouched, except for the kitchen, bloodstains on the floor, and shallow graves out back. I would have thought someone would have come in and removed the stuff from the house, because the people living there are now dead, but I was apparently wrong.

B showed me my mother's old room, and I have to say that at first I was sure we had the wrong room. Let me explain why... They was nothing girlie in there. No pink, or anything like that. There was one dress in the closet and it was a black dress with skulls on it. It just wasn't the kind of room I would expect from her. There were dark band posters all over the walls, dark red curtains over the windows, and a bed with black and purple blankets. The clothing here consisted of ripped pants, shirt and bracelets with music groups on them, and dark hoodies. There was a long piece of wood with wheels on it, in the closet. B called it a long board.

He is encouraging me to take whatever I want to replace my old clothes, or get to know my mom better or some shit like that. I don't know if I will though. Although I think I might take the music device in here. We are gonna stay here a few days because its a place to stay, but other than that I don't know.

The 4th?

There are alot of exploding lights in the sky here. It scared me at first, but B explained that they were part of a celebration on this day. He calls them fireworks. I must say that its one of the best things I've ever seen. And to think that this place has a special time just to set off explosives, and people actually enjoy watching them.

Now B and I are currently sitting on a rooftop, with burgers, and some kind of slightly bitter drink, just watching the fireworks. This is probably the most I've ever heard him talk to me, and its sorta nice to be honest. I'm starting to think that he might actually be warming up to me, which makes me happy for some reason. 

"So what do you think about that picture?"
"You want to know what I really think?"
"Well yeah. That's why I asked."
"I think that Malik guy was right about the whole new stalker thing."
"Well that's nice to know. Think we should be concerned?"
"Nah....I don't think Sean would do anything too bad."
"Wait. Who? I thought you said you didn't know who it was earlier?"
"Oops. Did I say that? My bad."
"Yeah you did. So who is it? I want to know everything you know or think you might now. Right now."
"Ok. Ok. Calm down woman. Its your uncle. One of your mother's only living brothers. I thought he was dead, but then again any Fear could have come in and brought him back for whatever reason."
"Your shitting me."
"Nope. Even in that dark lighting, I know his face enough to tell that its him."
"Could Lilith have done it? Bring him back I mean?"
"I very much doubt it. I'm thinking more Slendy, or Darkness."
"Well shit....."

W͕̣̉̇͂̌́͒͛̕͠h̜̱ͯ͌̓͘ẙ̢̬̟͋ ̷̼̼̼̦͚̑͞͠h̼̘̥̺̼̆̐̿̐͆̑̈́͞ͅe̢̪͇͕̫̮̲̫͒̉́͜͠rͮ̌ͨ̽͆̚͏̘̺͉̘?̫̺̙̪̪̭̟̟͒̎̽͠

So me and Mr B have been moving around alot. Trying to avoid people that are less than friendly is harder than one would think. And we sure have gone far. We finally got to...Russia I think he said? He says he has a bit of unfinished business to take care of here, which i'm totally down for right now. We should be leaving soon though because of alot of chaos that's happening here at the moment.

So we were walking down a street, and the dumb ass wouldn't stop humming a annoying as hell song. After awhile it got to me and I couldn't take his crap anymore. I turned to him, with eyes glaring, and knife pointed. "Hum it one more time you little shit. I dare you." Just as I finished my sentence a large building behind me collapsed. B looked from me to the building a few times before nodding his head and quickly walking in the other direction.

This was only the first time something huge has fallen around us. Its complete mayhem everywhere. Crap is falling on people, there is blood all over the streets, everyone turning on each other and total confusion. Someone is causing more trouble than I could have imagined. I have to say I am actually sorta curious as who is fighting over what, and why.

For now we are hiding with a family in a underground bunker like thing. They were nice to let us in here with them, but I wont stay for long even if that's B's course of action. Not with something this big happening outside.

Someone knocked over a skyscraper near me. I swear some people...

I remember a certain girl that was once brought to the garden to see me. Sierra said her name was Erika, she was a old friend of my mother and that she had paid a very high price to come into the garden to see me. She never gave any details as to what this price was, and I didn't much care because I had a new friend to play with for a time.

This girl was apparently mute, and only communicated with writing on pieces of paper which were closely watched by Sierra. Anytime the girl wrote something Sierra didn't like she wouldn't let me see it, and scowled at her. Even though her words were highly censored, she still told me wonderful stories of my mother, and a few of her other friends.

I never learned a whole lot about her until recently when I read her blog, and was told a few things by B. So what I have gathered is that Erika saved my mother several times from the shadows, and even stopped her from becoming one. But she became unable to help her anymore when her lover disappeared, leaving her in complete ruins. Although Erika saved her so many times, it appears she couldn't even save herself.

I saw her recently. She was in the middle of a dark street, and I barely recognized her anymore. I saw how empty her eyes were, and how feral, and animal like her reasoning skills have become. She was covered in blood, and was beheading a small girl. I left before she could see me, but it appears as if Erika has completely snapped now. If anyone comes across her, don't in any way provoke her. She is very dangerous, and armed. She has shown that she wont even hesitate to kill anyone in her way.

Guess that weird guy B was being honest in one respect. When I say this, I mean the fucking shadows that attack. Those little bitches had been following me for about a mile, before they decided to ambush me from behind as I was on the laptop I got courtesy of my old kidnapper. Getting your face bashed into a key board is never fun ladies and gentlemen.

That B guy saved me I guess. All I remember is that one minute I was getting my face bashed into a laptop and the next I was in a dirty hotel room with him. He was just sitting there with a huge shit eating grin on his face, and refused to answer any of my questions. "That was a close one huh?" he said that, then started laughing for no real reason. 

He hasn't wanted to tell me much since we've been here. All I've gotten from him is that he is leaving for somewhere down south in the morning, and hopes I'll go with him. I'm not 100% sure if its a good idea or not, but to avoid anymore unpleasant encounters alone, I've decided to keep him close. This means that I will be leaving in the morning with him.

I'm hoping I don't run into anymore of those shadow bastards, or Sierra. Its obvious that neither are on my side, and although Lilith doesn't seem too mad at me for what I'm doing, Sierra apparently has some strange sense of justice that she feels will be dealt by killing me. I still cant believe that the one who cared for, and trained me for so many years has turned on me so easily.

They...are moving, and theres nothing here to make them... this is impossible.
I dont understatfgvyhjdisaqgrds

I finally got around to going to the park. Turns out it was actually pretty close in the first place. It didn't take much to find it, I've just been busy with other things. It might not have been the best idea, but as usual my curiosity took over common sense.

Its bigger than I expected, and filled with trees. I wasn't really sure what I was suppose to do there, so I just sat on a bench and waited. I had been sitting there for awhile when i heard someone walk up behind me.  It was just a guy around my age. He was taller than me, had long black hair, and metal on his face. (I believe its called...a piercing?) I didn't know him, but he sure seemed to know me.  He sat down next to me and started to just talk.  He told me his name was Benjamin, but that I should just call him B. He said he was once my mother's lover, but thats impossible. She has been dead 19 years, and he cant be any older than 17 or 18, therefore I call bullshit on his story.

As soon as I realized he was lying about things, I also realized how stupid I was to come here. It was obviously some kind of trap. I immediately left, but he told me something strange. "Watch out for the shadows."

I went into Lilith's garden to attempt to find carter. Sierra obviously hadn't gotten there to warn everyone about me yet, so nobody gave me any problems. Lilith gave me a big hug when I got there, and even showed me where carter was surprisingly enough.

Sam. He is no longer in the containment cell, but with the others. Although I doubt she has given him any special jobs to do yet, seeing as he is so new.

Now this part is a bit strange. Before I left my place of hiding, I locked all the doors and windows so nobody could get in. Despite my efforts, when I got back I found this inside:

Now before you start asking questions, let me tell you what I think. It looks like a diary entry or something similar. I think it was written by my mother. The front half anyway. I think the blue might be a message for me? Seeing as you cant really read it, it says: "Honestly its the only thing worth feeling. They brought me here to unwind and be spiritual, but how is it even possible? I've been telling everyone this story. I'm beyond caring who gets involved at this point. People keep staring at me as if i'm crazy when they hear it. I'm just angry I guess. Angry that a creature that doesn't even have a face could take something this perfect from me. The only perfect thing left. I'll do whatever it takes to bring him back or at least avenge him. That one loud voice named chaos tries stopping me. Only wanting blood, I don't see why she wont leave me to take my vengence. At this point I'm willing to kill, or involve any person, or Fear to get what I want. Darkness searches and I cant hide forever from her and the.." 

 It cuts off before it finishes the sentence. I'm wondering if there are any other parts to this thing. For now I think I might figure out where tiger tree is. After all, it has to mean something right?                                 

ITS VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!!!!! MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

Its always celebrated as far as Lilith is concerned. I guess you could say its the biggest holiday for us, and my oh my is it great.
The only thing that makes me sad is that i'm not back in her garden to celebrate it with everyone today.

 EVERYONE IS DEAD AND I'M FREE!!!!!  There were dead bodies lining the hallways. Someone saved me and I dont even know who to thank!!!

 Its snowing outside right now, and it only does that when Lilith's friend the little blue colored boy comes around. I bet he wants to play with me.

  I just heard screaming and gun shots outside. It sounded like the door just unlocked, so I'm going to see if I can get out.

  I wonder if this means i'm free now...
  

This isn't fair.

Hate them all.

They seriously need to get me a new blanket. This one sucks.

The time here is different. I don't like it.

You're quite a bit of trouble. I hope you know that.

I know.

You brutally butchered all seven of the people guarding you with just a spoon and a rope. Where did you even get the rope?

I made it. Not that its any of your business. And do you have any idea how long it took me to sharpen that spoon?

I can only imagine... Those were good people you murdered Clary.

Am I suppose to care? Because I don't. 

Why did you do it?

Are you really that dim S? I've been wanting to leave since I got here, and the longer you keep me the more people will die.

I very much doubt that will happen. From now on nobody is allowed to come into this room. You will no longer be allowed to have any utensils, and you can no longer request items to be brought to you. I hope your little stunt was worth it.

You think doing all that will change anything?

I have no doubt that it will. Goodbye Clarrisa.

-S